Linking into an Eternal Reality to Solve Attachment Injuries
As humans, we’re wired for connection. We’re designed to survive by working together with other people. So when recent trends show a 56% increase in dismissive attachment styles and the ensuing lack of trust and self isolation, society faces a stark reality. The secure base adults need to cope with unpredictable future events is missing. Any disruption in the norm will trigger a loss of control over emotions and a predictable fight or flight response.
Here’s a story that shows the response of a toddler to separation. Morgan’s mother had to be hospitalized for a serious illness and Morgan’s father was out of the country for business. Morgan went to live with her aunt for 1 1/2 months from the ages of 16 1/2 months to 18 months old. When she returned home she appeared to have detached from her mother. She acted like she didn’t know her mother. She didn’t play with toys much and when her mother went to hug her she pushed her mother away.
Adults and children form their initial sense of “emotional object constancy” from early connections with family members. Secure attachment is observed in children who get help from a parent in regulating their emotions of fear and frustration. They explore the unknown and develop solutions to new challenges. They also develop a positive image of self and positive images of others.
Attachment Deficits
Those who experienced inconsistent and insensitive caregiving may conclude that they are to blame for lack of love from their mother or father. They might think others are uncaring and unavailable and that they themselves are unlovable. These children and adults are especially susceptible to anxiety, separation and rejection while idealizing the “lone wolf” self sufficient hero.
How people who are not securely attached react in the face of actual separation explains why they are not well positioned to cope with unpredictable future events. “People who have insecure models of attachment become upset but take action in order to get back in touch with the loved one through behavior or fantasy.” There are “three quite different types of reactions. 1. The first is a ‘dismissing’ response in which they try to reduce their anxiety about a threat to a key relationship by denying the importance of the relationship or by claiming that the relationship is ideal. They may say that they don’t really care about the relationship, or that the relationship is perfect. In either case, they deny the fact that they sometimes get upset because a loved one is not available to provide comfort in times of distress. 2. A second insecure style is one in which individuals are fearful of attachments and spend a good deal of time trying to avoid them. That is, they do not dismiss the importance of close relationships but find that they cannot trust them enough to enter into them. 3. A third insecure strategy involves ambivalence or preoccupation with the relationship. When a relationship with a loved one seems threatened, these individuals become obsessive, thinking about the other all the time, and becoming more and more anxious or angry. In sum, one insecure strategy is dismissing, another is avoidant and withdrawn, and a third involves the amplification of anxiety and sometimes anger.” (Clulow. p. 67-68)
These are normal responses to basic human needs for connection…but this doesn’t mean that it feels good to be in a relationship with someone who detaches. Understanding why we avoid closeness and changing our actions requires finding a solution to the attachment injury. I propose a solution that is both physical and spiritual in nature. Attachment deficits are repaired by finding a safe place where emotional needs will be accepted and loved and in taking the risk to connect with others. In this way a basis for individual worth is reestablished. The physical solution I propose is to identify the attachment injury and reconnect individual worth to the self and a concrete relationship. The spiritual solution is to create a link out to the eternal reality of God’s enduring love.
Layers of Worth
We cannot through our willpower create a truly satisfying sense of self-worth. Worth is a complex sensation that has many layers and is created by thousands of candid responses and interactions over the years. "It usually isn’t even a conscious process. It is in large part a biological reaction that was ingrained in the structures of the central nervous system through certain parenting practices in childhood." (Shorey) Understanding the layers of worth can help us to repair the deficits in our attachment and react better to unpredictable events.
These are the layers of worth as I understand them. At the very core is the eternal “worth of the soul” which is a spiritual reality. We have been told in scripture and often repeat, “I am valuable to God.” This reality is fundamental to maintaining a firm mental stance in the face of a sympathetic nervous system “fight or flight” reaction. It is abstract in that we choose to place faith in this unprovable but enduring reality.
Next is the layer of worth that we receive from our parents as children. It tells us that we are worth loving. I will call it our “intrinsic worth” because it resides in our subconscious. It is formed at a time when we have no cognitive skills or words to describe it. It is concrete because it is based on a real relationship. Adults can repair their perception of intrinsic worth with mental discipline. Specifically, repetition of true statements and a real relationship with a partner can replace childhood fears and self doubt.
Third is the layer of worth that tells us we are worth protecting. We get this as a child and also as a spouse. It has to do with temporal needs such as food, clothing and adequate shelter. I will call it our “physical worth.” As adults, we can provide for ourselves but how we care for ourselves emotionally may show injuries at this level. To repair this level of worth we have to implement self-care practices and establish reasonable self-expectations.
Fourth is a layer of substantiated worth influenced by our good and evil actions. Our perception of ourself can be somewhat subjective. Others perception of us can be overly critical or overgenerous. The truth of our relation to good and evil is defined by God. However, without God’s judgement, we have to operate on a constantly changing estimation that I will call it our “self-esteem.” Temporary self esteem is often calculated from the responses of others. Substantiated self esteem is calculated from the intents of the heart together with observed actions.
The fifth layer of temporary worth that we get from praise and acceptance or ridicule and rejection from our peers can be a powerful motive in both the good and bad choices that we make. It is based on a survival instinct we have in common with other living things. I will call it our “peer esteem.” Jordan Peterson in Rule 1 of 12 Rules for Life describes the primordial calculator for victory or defeat that affects all of us on a neurochemical level. Those who are victorious in “peer esteem” are calm and confident but age takes away supremacy and the younger generation will eventually rise up to claim the crown.
Finally the outermost layer of worth is bestowed in cases where people are promoted to stardom or elected to office. It is created by the esteem of people we have never met as they talk about our accomplishments. I will call it the “praise of the world.” Most people attain very little of this type of worth. It is as fleeting as the weather. It is based on facts but not on truth and may seem hollow.
Adults who didn’t connect as children with their family might desire to connect with others but find it difficult. They might even try to skip the level of “intrinsic worth” and connect directly to God at the level of “eternal worth.” Unfortunately this results in a hypothetical understanding of what “eternal worth” means. The difference between concrete and abstract love is described in the Bible. “If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?” (1 John 4:20)
The Solution
Adults must repair their attachment by reaching out to form concrete relationships with a safe partner, sibling or friend we become capable of understanding what it means to trust God. In John 15:4 he says, “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.” Trusting in God is the way to be grounded in our worth like a house built on a rock. And like a child whose mother is out of the room we reside in His love and are better able to withstand the storms of life. This eternal reality of soul worth is stronger when linked with a concrete reality of intrinsic worth and consistent self-care.
Sources:
Christopher F Clulow. Adult Attachment and Couple Psychotherapy: The ‘Secure Base’ in Practice and Research. Routledge. 2000.
Hal Shorey. “Fear of Intimacy and Closeness in Relationships: Learn to cope with you or your partner’s avoidance of closeness and intimacy” Psychology Today. Blog. 2015.
John Townsend. Hiding From Love. Zondervan. 1996. p 70.
Jordan Peterson. 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. Penguin Randomhouse. 2018.
Natalie Issa. “Young people aren’t connecting. Here’s why that’s a bigger problem than you think.” Deseret News. 26 May 2023.
Ruth P Newton, Allan N. Schore. The Attachment Connection: Parenting a Secure & Confident Child Using the Science of Attachment Theory. New Harbinger Publications. 2008.